I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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