We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
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