I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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