I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
