When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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