Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
