Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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