This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
