I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
