we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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