I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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