i dont even know how to be here
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
