Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Randomize