Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Actions speak louder than pants.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
