her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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