How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
