remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
