I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
