Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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