A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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