it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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