Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
