Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
