My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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