Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
