You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
