is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
