i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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