i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
