I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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