Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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