did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Randomize
