She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
