the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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