I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
