The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I have already put on my inside pants.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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