I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
