So drunk its hurt
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize