He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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