All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
40s are totally the cure
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
