I just saw a hot homeless man
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
50% drunk capacity currently
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
