community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
