ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
