Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
