I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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