There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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