FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
