She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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