I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
