3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
