I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
