I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
