dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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