I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
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