He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
