i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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