you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
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