mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
