Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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