think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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